CARVSMARK

Today, I’m here to share the hilariously confusing journey of my son, who is living the dream of many Canadian youth by playing soccer (or as they call it here, futebol) in Portugal. Now, I must warn you, it’s been a wild ride filled with questionable moves, imaginary Mario Kart tracks, and the lost art of passing. I have been an uber driver and soccer supporter this past few months and I have to say I am questioning everything I have ever heard about soccer…oops I mean futebol.

This post is about my “unforgettable” or “forgetable” you can be the judge, journey in the hilarious world of Portuguese Futebol. Don’t get me wrong it has been a wild ride through my experiences and an entertaining cultural blend of drama, comedy, and sideline antics that make futebol games in Portugal a unique and hilarious experience.

So picture this: my son, used to the orderly world of Canadian sports, steps onto the soccer field with the enthusiasm of a beaver discovering a new dam site. Little did he know, he was about to enter a realm where standing still is an art form, and passing is as rare as a warm winter day. In his previous team, players were expected to move, run, and if they dared stand still for more than a minute, the coach would probably assume they were auditioning for a role as a tree in the next school play. Fast forward to his new soccer adventure, and he’s witnessing players who seem to have mistaken the field for a dance floor – a slow dance floor, that is. Passing? Oh, that’s a foreign concept. In fact, not passing seems to be the favorite pastime for some of the players. It’s as if they’re in a high-stakes game of Mario Kart, maneuvering the ball like a virtual banana peel, waiting for the perfect moment to send it off the edge of the field. I swear, there are times when I half-expect the referee to pull out a blue shell and send it straight to the player who’s hogging the ball like it’s the last slice of poutine at a hockey game. My son, with his earnest desire to play a good game, is left looking around, blinking in confusion as his teammates engage in what can only be described as a futebol version of chaos theory. And let’s not even get started on the strikers who seem to have embraced the philosophy of “the more dramatic the dive, the better.” As a Canadian parent, I find myself torn between cheering for the effort and scratching my head in bewilderment. Maybe it’s a cultural difference, or perhaps I’ve stumbled upon a secret futebol strategy that’s yet to be discovered by the rest of the world.

Ask any Dad and they would be…. “Oh wow! Playing in Europe that is it ultimate achievement!” But is it? You may be surprised by what I am going to say but Canadians are not polite at the pitch. They are often the ones telling the players how it is, or the refs letting them know what they think of calls. Gosh, a parent in Canada can cost a team a red card for misconduct. I am not sure if the cold gets to us and we become grumpy or what? Portuguese parents arrive to the pitch with optimism and intensity when they say “good day” to the others including the police who mand the stands. Its an intensity you would think you would see at a world cup match. Their Sunday is precious so this better be good is their philosophy coming in. And of course you get the old fellows who see eachother at the pitch each week for “guy time” while the wives are at home on the phone having their “girl time”. They begin with encouraging words and quiet comments of the players doing well as they are analysing the situation and keeping up with their rankings of players in their heads.

Then it happens …. Drama Button has been turned On. The Tsunami warning is out and here we go…. the encourgement is gone and their true feelings mixed with swear words creates a stew of intensity even a Canadian would blush at. Brace yourself for the absurdities and surprises that unfold as the game progresses and the players begin to feed into it. This unforgettable encounter with futebol in Portugal with both the team and parents I affectionately call “Dream Queens.” Instantly, one will witness the uncanny ability to fall dramatically at the slightest touch, only to miraculously recover when a card is about to be pulled out of the refs shirt. Add parents screaming and saying things I cannot repeat with such confidence as if they are in a court room ready to plead for these players innocents in their dramatic dives. And the cherry on top? The mind-boggling sight of a player rolling in pain, only to spring up like they’re on a trampoline at the Olympics as soon as the final whistle blows. It’s a comedy of epic proportions!

The most strange and intriguing phenomenon is how some players care deeply about the game, yet seemingly don’t care at all. Its a blend of passion and nonchalance that characterizes the Portuguese youth during soccer matches and maybe in general. It will leave you scratching your head and rolling with laughter at the same time. One just has to go outside in the parking lot after a game and the parents quickly get into their cars while the players are honking and having what one would think a fiesta though they just lost! What is going on? Meanwhile I still have the quiet car rides where my son is steaming in anger for how the game went and you know not to open your mouth or you will be chewed up like a bag of pop rocks.

I got to say this has been an uproarious adventure as I navigate the sidelines of Portuguese futebol games, from the hilarious theatrics of the “Dream Queens” to the perplexing blend of passion and nonchalance among the players. I have to laugh and embrace the cultural differences and celebrate the wonderful world of Portuguese futebol. So here’s to my son, bravely navigating the uncharted waters of futebol in a land where passing is a myth, standing still is an art form, and the only rule that truly matters is to keep the Mario Kart spirit alive. May his futebol adventures continue to be as entertaining as a moose on rollerblades – unexpected, a bit wobbly, but undeniably hilarious. Stay tuned for more tales from the Great Canadian Futebol Odyssey!